I needed to know how to survive...
i wanted to understand what my life is about...
finding her brings me hope but leashed me to where I'm going...
I struggled to be someone who I'm not, pretentious squirrel trying to break a hard nut.
It took years for me to understand... or at least learned to ignore that where I am... and who I become is worth living a character just for her... but she wasn't my forever... I believe in soul mates... I believe in love... I believed she's the one... only to realize... I'm caging her from herself... I'm not for her... and she's no longer meant for me... I thought I was the shell that could protect her from the ignorant fools around her... but... I was more like a stone that held her legs so she couldn't walk any further...
I loved her, Hated her, cursed her... ignored her... hurt her in different ways, while I thought I was doing her favor, but I wasn't.
She was free... she is where she wanted to be, she become who she aspires to be... and all I can do is watch her grow... to be inspired by someone else... to dream outside our little box...
I can never forget what she said..
"when you meet new people... they inspire you to change..."
It still pains me to repeat it in my head... It's a ghost that scares me... A ghost I kept staring at... bashing my thoughts in a never ending question... "what did I do to deserve this in my life..." ...
but as week pass... as life moves... where everything kept changing... I can stare at a wall and I could still feel her presence... still wearing her chem eng uniform, and will tap my shoulder and ask me... "kanina ka pa?" ...
I wanted to dream... I chased a dream. . . for her.
I learned something.. or at least realize something in me after few months remembering those words she said...
"when you meet new people... they inspire you to change..."
..I wanted to meet new people... I did... but I couldn't find the reason to change who I am... I'm tired... angry... and mostly... scared. I feared love... most specially a love that will be shown and just be taken back...
It's a poisonous thought.
a pigment of crimson reality I couldn't erase.
but yeah... change... I wanted to tell her... I wanted to say her I'm slowly changing... something feels different... I feel... normal.
but yeah, I wanted her to know..
"after the anger is controlled... after logic popped out its ugly face... and reality slapped my brain out... I changed. . ."
outside the reality of her getting married. outside the reality that closure I needed was never returned. outside the questions that can never be answered... is a reality of change. A perspective I just learned... a perspective with nothing exist... unless you learned to move for the simplest reasons.
so this is normal meant... it's new.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
A Mind Of Thoughts
I met a clown inside my head, he was wearing this big black shoes and a red Pajamas and a fake smiley make up, he hide his eyes with his glasses of shame and a wear a weirdo hair painted in gray.
he sat smoking weed, while he lean his back at a broken wall painted with grafitti of dreams,
I walked around tracing his foot steps guiding my hands to the wall he crafted... one by one... word by word I read the writings...
I found a doodle of a child hugging his mother... I saw a son holding the hand of his father... I saw a big brother sharing gift with a little child... I saw a parent, I saw a child, I saw a red smile... drawn in blood.
he didnt moved...
he stared blankly at his shined black shoes...
"what do you see?" he asked me...
"what do you feel?" he asked me again...
I then sat next to him. He politely offered me a stick of weed, which I gladly took...
I stare at his shoes and see the reflection of his face.
then,
I asked him
he was silent for a while...
then he turned his face and looked at me straght in my eyes... then replied. "why do you hate?"
he pointed to the sky and waved his hands... he drew something in the smoke of weed I couldn't figure out... then he pulled a wet tissue and rubbed it in his face.
"Im just like you... broken. "
"im just like you... Ordinary"
"im just like you... Alone"
"but I'm not like you... I didn't hate."
he pointed to the sky again and drew... I stare at the motion of his fingers, rather than the dooddle smoke I couldn't catch...
he was trying to draw a shape of a heart...
"I learned to love, but I was played..."
"I learned to forgive but I was pushed too hard"
"I learned to hope... but I was ignored all the time..."
"I learned to cope up... So I can keep what I needed... but I forgot to protect WHY I needed them.."
"I kept what I needed... but I lost my heart in the process... what's left of me is the unchanging face... and a dead eye..."
"I have what I wanted, But I'm no longer who I was... "
"and I dont know anymore who I am."
"can you see me?.... can you recognized me?"
he turned his face in his shoes again and stare blankly at his doll face... I opened my mouth and blow some smoke out... open my palm and reached the sky... I then replied.
"I learned to hope, but I failed... I learned to loved but I was used... I learned to work hard... but I was manipulated... I learned to hate.. to protect myself... I lost someone special... and I lost my dreams... My passion is dead... and i have nothing left inside myself..."
" I am selfish, and I trust no one... is it so bad? ....nah... It doesn't matter if it is..."
"I kept my heart... and lost everything in return... why won't I hate? ... "
He offered me his last stick of weed, as he was slowly standing from where he sat... then he murmmered this words...
"nothing alive is real... nor are they fake... nothing will make sense... because everything is nothing... if you fear... then your fearing about nothing, and if you hate... then you are hating nothing.... there's nothing ... everything is white... everything is black... even blood... but my blood is red... is it?... it is... "
he cut the tip of his finger and started to doodle a heart shaped line in the wall...
"Im just like you... and so is the rest of the world... we are heartless... or we are hated. I wear a mask so I can hide my lost heart.... and you wear your hatred... cause you fear everything .... hahaha... you fear something that's already gone."
he puffed my last weed... and smiled... he told me everything about his family... and I told him about my dreams... we talked for hours... and hours... and hours... then he sat again and stared at his shoes... I stood up and walked away...
I looked at my shoes... as I kept walking....
he sat smoking weed, while he lean his back at a broken wall painted with grafitti of dreams,
I walked around tracing his foot steps guiding my hands to the wall he crafted... one by one... word by word I read the writings...
"help..."
"I'm sorry..."
"help..."
"i need someone"
I found a doodle of a child hugging his mother... I saw a son holding the hand of his father... I saw a big brother sharing gift with a little child... I saw a parent, I saw a child, I saw a red smile... drawn in blood.
he didnt moved...
he stared blankly at his shined black shoes...
"what do you see?" he asked me...
" I see a broken man "
"what do you feel?" he asked me again...
his eyes are blank, nothing in his mind...
"I feel a broken dream..."
I then sat next to him. He politely offered me a stick of weed, which I gladly took...
I stare at his shoes and see the reflection of his face.
then,
I asked him
"why do you wear a smiling make up?"
he was silent for a while...
then he turned his face and looked at me straght in my eyes... then replied. "why do you hate?"
"because people hated me, played me... and ignored what I felt"
he pointed to the sky and waved his hands... he drew something in the smoke of weed I couldn't figure out... then he pulled a wet tissue and rubbed it in his face.
"Im just like you... broken. "
"im just like you... Ordinary"
"im just like you... Alone"
"but I'm not like you... I didn't hate."
he pointed to the sky again and drew... I stare at the motion of his fingers, rather than the dooddle smoke I couldn't catch...
he was trying to draw a shape of a heart...
"I learned to love, but I was played..."
"I learned to forgive but I was pushed too hard"
"I learned to hope... but I was ignored all the time..."
"I learned to cope up... So I can keep what I needed... but I forgot to protect WHY I needed them.."
"I kept what I needed... but I lost my heart in the process... what's left of me is the unchanging face... and a dead eye..."
"I have what I wanted, But I'm no longer who I was... "
"and I dont know anymore who I am."
"can you see me?.... can you recognized me?"
he turned his face in his shoes again and stare blankly at his doll face... I opened my mouth and blow some smoke out... open my palm and reached the sky... I then replied.
"I learned to hope, but I failed... I learned to loved but I was used... I learned to work hard... but I was manipulated... I learned to hate.. to protect myself... I lost someone special... and I lost my dreams... My passion is dead... and i have nothing left inside myself..."
" I am selfish, and I trust no one... is it so bad? ....nah... It doesn't matter if it is..."
"I kept my heart... and lost everything in return... why won't I hate? ... "
He offered me his last stick of weed, as he was slowly standing from where he sat... then he murmmered this words...
"nothing alive is real... nor are they fake... nothing will make sense... because everything is nothing... if you fear... then your fearing about nothing, and if you hate... then you are hating nothing.... there's nothing ... everything is white... everything is black... even blood... but my blood is red... is it?... it is... "
he cut the tip of his finger and started to doodle a heart shaped line in the wall...
"Im just like you... and so is the rest of the world... we are heartless... or we are hated. I wear a mask so I can hide my lost heart.... and you wear your hatred... cause you fear everything .... hahaha... you fear something that's already gone."
he puffed my last weed... and smiled... he told me everything about his family... and I told him about my dreams... we talked for hours... and hours... and hours... then he sat again and stared at his shoes... I stood up and walked away...
"nothing...."
"do i hate? ...out of nothing?... do I hate... cause I fear everything in my past?"
I looked at my shoes... as I kept walking....
Saturday, October 9, 2010
last letter
hope's everything went well. you havent visited your friendster,,, and havent deleted our pics... somehow it made me glad... sorry i did found out that your already married. oct 1? with ramil... dunno if it was just a joke... but did hurted me pretty badly. anyway hinde naman yun yung gs2 kong sabhin... few hours from now and it will be your birthday.. sabe nila its lucky daw. 10.10.10 my cousin gonna get married on that day pala. and my mom's living next march, me? I just brought ton of stuff with what I was trying to save for us dati, been enjoying photography, was able to buy a dslr camera pero nikon D3000 lang, wanted the new released the d90... pero it was too much for my budget... been spending time going out to restaurant I wanted to take you before... but was not able to do cause of the money I was really trying to crawl up for the near future, i guessed i planned it too much... was able to use some of the money to fixed my room... and have some capital to push the baking hobby im profiting every year... si ate Liza, yung kapitbahay namen before sa letter B? yung umalis dahil nakabili ng lupa? bumalik sila.. pero asa unit D na sila ngayun, and i was able to convinced her to be my partner... yungd ating anak nya is already 16 years old... wow.. ang bilis ng oras,,,
para kong tanga... nakkipagusap sa email mo... haha its the only way i can say this things without getting scared or pissed off or desperate, somehow the time stopped in this account you never visited. I'm keeping a blog pala... somehow it releases my thoughts... im actually pretty mad at you... and the rest of the female blood... before I can easilt respect them... right now... i really feel we are all equal na... honestly.. I dont owe them anything... they deserve anything the world will give to them... may it be happiness or sadness... I shouldn't care na lang.
wow... i never thought we will be another what if... haha i never thought we will be another past... anyway.. like you said. if you meet new people... they inspires you to change... i guess i did change... I never thought I can hate this much. . .
I dont hate you... but i know i feel like hating every women i see.. haha i rmemeber before lage akong tumatayu sa LRT whenever may makita akong babae, even thou pagod na ako, i wont mind... ill happily stand... but right now... honestly,,, i can look at them in the eye and just sit there... well except talaga if i see that they are on a worst possible condition... im not heartless...
feels really weird hating women this match. doesn't even feels right.
sooner or later.. ill probably find a new girlfriend... still hoping somehow, but right now, I really dont have anything Im inspired on doing... just crossing out some checklist of things I wanted to make... hope ill pass my board exam next year so I can cross that off my list, still need to loose a lot of weight... oh yeah... I should get my license and visa&passport ready.
4 years... :) I guess what we had was nt that much to you...
I thought it was worth protecting rather than my dreams... haha i guess it was'nt, I cant even feel it anymore... the passion of having a dream... neither the anticipation of succeeding a plan.. I guess this is good to. my mom said in 5 years time... my green card will be given to me. ill start a new life after 5 years. . . right now. ill try to patch things up.
2 hours and 30 minutes... your going to have the luckiest birthday of your life. . . :) hahaha and I'm not part of it . We never had a chance to properly end our past... i guess this last letter will be mine.
I wont visit this site for awhile... next time I visit...
I hope we would be able to just talk... until this memorry fades... I dont think I could..
happy birthday kim.
i miss you
i love you...
bye...
para kong tanga... nakkipagusap sa email mo... haha its the only way i can say this things without getting scared or pissed off or desperate, somehow the time stopped in this account you never visited. I'm keeping a blog pala... somehow it releases my thoughts... im actually pretty mad at you... and the rest of the female blood... before I can easilt respect them... right now... i really feel we are all equal na... honestly.. I dont owe them anything... they deserve anything the world will give to them... may it be happiness or sadness... I shouldn't care na lang.
wow... i never thought we will be another what if... haha i never thought we will be another past... anyway.. like you said. if you meet new people... they inspires you to change... i guess i did change... I never thought I can hate this much. . .
I dont hate you... but i know i feel like hating every women i see.. haha i rmemeber before lage akong tumatayu sa LRT whenever may makita akong babae, even thou pagod na ako, i wont mind... ill happily stand... but right now... honestly,,, i can look at them in the eye and just sit there... well except talaga if i see that they are on a worst possible condition... im not heartless...
feels really weird hating women this match. doesn't even feels right.
sooner or later.. ill probably find a new girlfriend... still hoping somehow, but right now, I really dont have anything Im inspired on doing... just crossing out some checklist of things I wanted to make... hope ill pass my board exam next year so I can cross that off my list, still need to loose a lot of weight... oh yeah... I should get my license and visa&passport ready.
4 years... :) I guess what we had was nt that much to you...
I thought it was worth protecting rather than my dreams... haha i guess it was'nt, I cant even feel it anymore... the passion of having a dream... neither the anticipation of succeeding a plan.. I guess this is good to. my mom said in 5 years time... my green card will be given to me. ill start a new life after 5 years. . . right now. ill try to patch things up.
2 hours and 30 minutes... your going to have the luckiest birthday of your life. . . :) hahaha and I'm not part of it . We never had a chance to properly end our past... i guess this last letter will be mine.
I wont visit this site for awhile... next time I visit...
I hope we would be able to just talk... until this memorry fades... I dont think I could..
happy birthday kim.
i miss you
i love you...
bye...
A hole and a Well
run...
run away...
run away...
a neglected dog barking its feelings toward an unfamiliar face....
BANG!!
a wood slammed to the dogs mouth....
breaking his jaw...
throwing him off his four feet...
bleeding in his mouth that he cannot close anymore...
his tongue loose off his mouth... dripping off the bloody spit of life he has left...
he struggled to stand....
he pushes to be stronger...
he stared to whats left of the world he can only see..
crying his eyes out so he can speak out what he wanted to say...
with his broken jaw... and a lifeless tongue he shouted a loud cry...
but the only sound left was the air coming out of his lungs...
through his neck... out of his mouth...
again he cried for the pain ...
again he cried for hope...
again he tried to shout...
BANG!!
another hit from a unfamiliar man...
now with his feet....
BANG!!
now with his body...
again.. he cried,,,
again... he tried...
in his last cry... he stare at the face of the man...
an eye with nothing but his own desire...
an eye who is passionate for his own happiness...
an eye who is willing to sacrifice anything for his own...
an eye that blames everything around him except himself...
nothing...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)