It's not forever

words are no longer sufficient to share what I feel.. without lies, without pessimism, I felt like the muse of my heart disappeared. Tangled on the thoughts of loosing the foundation I have been stepping on... my body feels the fear of changes I can't control...

Happiness.

Seems a bit harder to swallow than what I imagined...

How could something so sweet, still so bitter?

Sometimes I feel like my fears are crashing me. The chain of agony and anger I felt before turned into cold blocks of debris slowly gluing my hand down to earth...

The pain that disappeared left a scar of venomous mark inside my heart. Clouding my eyes with callous claw of self pitied developments...

Weak as it may seems... 

My heart grows to nothing but shattered pieces of glass.

Strangely Normal

It's been a while since I posted anything in this little site I made few years back... can't even read the things I wrote...

Cause I find it to be too long...

Things became a so-so normal to me, without any sense of being shattered, everyday life seems a little bit strangely common than when I started blogging...

I finally got a chance to fill the gap between the realities I tried to make inside my head... although there are still questions in my head that I want to find answers on...


I hope I could write a poetic essay on the thing my head been pounding on, but frankly speaking... it's like a song I can't even dare sing, the lyrics doesn't fit the melody, nor will it makes sense in my life...


although here's something I learned... being hurt and not giving up,,, in the end of all of it, the world... and the reality I'm living now... seems strangely normal.

Mobius Strip: Breaking the dead end

Continuing a dead end is a gain of faults and lies, questioning something that was oath to be nothing anymore. It's like a mobius strip... I'm not sure about anything anymore.

I remember someone told me before, "what we had... is already a close book I dont want to open again"

To be satisfied with what it is, is really acceptable now.

But, less than 2 months from now. I'll be on the same spot I was before... I fear the feeling, and still can't believe it's already been a year. It's still just yesterday for me... that's how I feel now.

The feeling of moving forward just to move towards the beginning.

the only difference now.

I can't feel her presence... or who she was for me.


Just a dead end.

nothing more.

Chocolate Drops

I needed to know how to survive...
i wanted to understand what my life is about...

finding her brings me hope but leashed me to where I'm going...
I struggled to be someone who I'm not, pretentious squirrel trying to break a hard nut.
It took years for me to understand... or at least learned to ignore that where I am... and who I become is worth living a character just for her... but she wasn't my forever... I believe in soul mates... I believe in love... I believed she's the one... only to realize... I'm caging her from herself... I'm not for her... and she's no longer meant for me... I thought I was the shell that could protect her from the ignorant fools around her... but... I was more like a stone that held her legs so she couldn't walk any further...

I loved her, Hated her, cursed her... ignored her... hurt her in different ways, while I thought I was doing her favor, but I wasn't.

She was free... she is where she wanted to be, she become who she aspires to be... and all I can do is watch her grow... to be inspired by someone else... to dream outside our little box...

I can never forget what she said..

"when you meet new people... they inspire you to change..."

It still pains me to repeat it in my head... It's a ghost that scares me... A ghost I kept staring at... bashing my thoughts in a never ending question... "what did I do to deserve this in my life..." ...

but as week pass... as life moves... where everything kept changing... I can stare at a wall and I could still feel her presence... still wearing her chem eng uniform, and will tap my shoulder and ask me... "kanina ka pa?" ...

I wanted to dream... I chased a dream. . . for her.

I learned something.. or at least realize something in me after few months remembering those words she said...

"when you meet new people... they inspire you to change..."




..I wanted to meet new people... I did... but I couldn't find the reason to change who I am... I'm tired... angry... and mostly... scared. I feared love... most specially a love that will be shown and just be taken back...


It's a poisonous thought.


a pigment of crimson reality I couldn't erase.

but yeah... change... I wanted to tell her... I wanted to say her I'm slowly changing... something feels different... I feel... normal.

but yeah, I wanted her to know..

"after the anger is controlled... after logic popped out its ugly face... and reality slapped my brain out... I changed. . ."

outside the reality of her getting married. outside the reality that closure I needed was never returned. outside the questions that can never be answered... is a reality of change. A perspective I just learned... a perspective with nothing exist... unless you learned to move for the simplest reasons.

so this is normal meant... it's new.

Go Back To My Short Story

A Mind Of Thoughts

I met a clown inside my head, he was wearing this big black shoes and a red Pajamas and a fake smiley make up, he hide his eyes with his glasses of shame and a wear a weirdo hair painted in gray.

he sat smoking weed, while he lean his back at a broken wall painted with grafitti of dreams,

I walked around tracing his foot steps guiding my hands to the wall he crafted... one by one... word by word I read the writings...

"help..."

"I'm sorry..."

"help..."

"i need someone"

I found a doodle of a child hugging his mother... I saw a son holding the hand of his father... I saw a big brother sharing gift with a little child... I saw a parent, I saw a child, I saw a red smile... drawn in blood.





he didnt moved...

he stared blankly at his shined black shoes...

"what do you see?" he asked me...

" I see a broken man "

 "what do you feel?" he asked me again...

his eyes are blank, nothing in his mind...

"I feel a broken dream..."

 I then sat next to him. He politely offered me a stick of weed, which I gladly took...


I stare at his shoes and see the reflection of his face.


then,



I asked him

"why do you wear a smiling make up?"

he was silent for a while...


then he turned his face and looked at me straght in my eyes... then replied. "why do you hate?"

"because people hated me, played me... and ignored what I felt"

he pointed to the sky and waved his hands... he drew something in the smoke of weed I couldn't figure out... then he pulled a wet tissue and rubbed it in his face.


"Im just like you... broken. "

"im just like you... Ordinary"

"im just like you... Alone"

"but I'm not like you... I didn't hate."


he pointed to the sky again and drew... I stare at the motion of his fingers, rather than the dooddle smoke I couldn't catch...

he was trying to draw a shape of a heart...

"I learned to love, but I was played..."
"I learned to forgive but I was pushed too hard"
"I learned to hope... but I was ignored all the time..."
"I learned to cope up... So I can keep what I needed... but I forgot to protect WHY I needed them.."
"I kept what I needed... but I lost my heart in the process... what's left of me is the unchanging face... and a dead eye..."

"I have what I wanted, But I'm no longer who I was... "


"and I dont know anymore who I am."

"can you see me?.... can you recognized me?"

he turned his face in his shoes again and stare blankly at his doll face... I opened my mouth and blow some smoke out... open my palm and reached the sky... I then replied.

"I learned to hope, but I failed... I learned to loved but I was used... I learned to work hard... but I was manipulated... I learned to hate.. to protect myself... I lost someone special... and I lost my dreams... My passion is dead... and i have nothing left inside myself..."

" I am selfish, and I trust no one... is it so bad? ....nah... It doesn't matter if it is..."

"I kept my heart... and lost everything in return... why won't I hate? ... "


He offered me his last stick of weed, as he was slowly standing from where he sat... then he murmmered this words...


"nothing alive is real... nor are they fake... nothing will make sense... because everything is nothing... if you fear... then your fearing about nothing, and if you hate... then you are hating nothing.... there's nothing ... everything is white... everything is black... even blood... but my blood is red... is it?... it is... "

he cut the tip of his finger and started to doodle a heart shaped line in the wall...


"Im just like you... and so is the rest of the world... we are heartless... or we are hated. I wear a mask so I can hide my lost heart.... and you wear your hatred... cause you fear everything .... hahaha... you fear something that's already gone."


he puffed my last weed... and smiled... he told me everything about his family... and I told him about my dreams... we talked for hours... and hours... and hours... then he sat again and stared at his shoes... I stood up and walked away...

"nothing...."

"do i hate? ...out of nothing?... do I hate... cause I fear everything in my past?"

I looked at my shoes... as I kept walking....

Go Back To My Short Stories