I needed to know how to survive...
i wanted to understand what my life is about...
finding her brings me hope but leashed me to where I'm going...
I struggled to be someone who I'm not, pretentious squirrel trying to break a hard nut.
It took years for me to understand... or at least learned to ignore that where I am... and who I become is worth living a character just for her... but she wasn't my forever... I believe in soul mates... I believe in love... I believed she's the one... only to realize... I'm caging her from herself... I'm not for her... and she's no longer meant for me... I thought I was the shell that could protect her from the ignorant fools around her... but... I was more like a stone that held her legs so she couldn't walk any further...
I loved her, Hated her, cursed her... ignored her... hurt her in different ways, while I thought I was doing her favor, but I wasn't.
She was free... she is where she wanted to be, she become who she aspires to be... and all I can do is watch her grow... to be inspired by someone else... to dream outside our little box...
I can never forget what she said..
"when you meet new people... they inspire you to change..."
It still pains me to repeat it in my head... It's a ghost that scares me... A ghost I kept staring at... bashing my thoughts in a never ending question... "what did I do to deserve this in my life..." ...
but as week pass... as life moves... where everything kept changing... I can stare at a wall and I could still feel her presence... still wearing her chem eng uniform, and will tap my shoulder and ask me... "kanina ka pa?" ...
I wanted to dream... I chased a dream. . . for her.
I learned something.. or at least realize something in me after few months remembering those words she said...
"when you meet new people... they inspire you to change..."
..I wanted to meet new people... I did... but I couldn't find the reason to change who I am... I'm tired... angry... and mostly... scared. I feared love... most specially a love that will be shown and just be taken back...
It's a poisonous thought.
a pigment of crimson reality I couldn't erase.
but yeah... change... I wanted to tell her... I wanted to say her I'm slowly changing... something feels different... I feel... normal.
but yeah, I wanted her to know..
"after the anger is controlled... after logic popped out its ugly face... and reality slapped my brain out... I changed. . ."
outside the reality of her getting married. outside the reality that closure I needed was never returned. outside the questions that can never be answered... is a reality of change. A perspective I just learned... a perspective with nothing exist... unless you learned to move for the simplest reasons.
so this is normal meant... it's new.
