I needed to know how to survive...
i wanted to understand what my life is about...
finding her brings me hope but leashed me to where I'm going...
I struggled to be someone who I'm not, pretentious squirrel trying to break a hard nut.
It took years for me to understand... or at least learned to ignore that where I am... and who I become is worth living a character just for her... but she wasn't my forever... I believe in soul mates... I believe in love... I believed she's the one... only to realize... I'm caging her from herself... I'm not for her... and she's no longer meant for me... I thought I was the shell that could protect her from the ignorant fools around her... but... I was more like a stone that held her legs so she couldn't walk any further...
I loved her, Hated her, cursed her... ignored her... hurt her in different ways, while I thought I was doing her favor, but I wasn't.
She was free... she is where she wanted to be, she become who she aspires to be... and all I can do is watch her grow... to be inspired by someone else... to dream outside our little box...
I can never forget what she said..
"when you meet new people... they inspire you to change..."
It still pains me to repeat it in my head... It's a ghost that scares me... A ghost I kept staring at... bashing my thoughts in a never ending question... "what did I do to deserve this in my life..." ...
but as week pass... as life moves... where everything kept changing... I can stare at a wall and I could still feel her presence... still wearing her chem eng uniform, and will tap my shoulder and ask me... "kanina ka pa?" ...
I wanted to dream... I chased a dream. . . for her.
I learned something.. or at least realize something in me after few months remembering those words she said...
"when you meet new people... they inspire you to change..."
..I wanted to meet new people... I did... but I couldn't find the reason to change who I am... I'm tired... angry... and mostly... scared. I feared love... most specially a love that will be shown and just be taken back...
It's a poisonous thought.
a pigment of crimson reality I couldn't erase.
but yeah... change... I wanted to tell her... I wanted to say her I'm slowly changing... something feels different... I feel... normal.
but yeah, I wanted her to know..
"after the anger is controlled... after logic popped out its ugly face... and reality slapped my brain out... I changed. . ."
outside the reality of her getting married. outside the reality that closure I needed was never returned. outside the questions that can never be answered... is a reality of change. A perspective I just learned... a perspective with nothing exist... unless you learned to move for the simplest reasons.
so this is normal meant... it's new.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
A Mind Of Thoughts
I met a clown inside my head, he was wearing this big black shoes and a red Pajamas and a fake smiley make up, he hide his eyes with his glasses of shame and a wear a weirdo hair painted in gray.
he sat smoking weed, while he lean his back at a broken wall painted with grafitti of dreams,
I walked around tracing his foot steps guiding my hands to the wall he crafted... one by one... word by word I read the writings...
I found a doodle of a child hugging his mother... I saw a son holding the hand of his father... I saw a big brother sharing gift with a little child... I saw a parent, I saw a child, I saw a red smile... drawn in blood.
he didnt moved...
he stared blankly at his shined black shoes...
"what do you see?" he asked me...
"what do you feel?" he asked me again...
I then sat next to him. He politely offered me a stick of weed, which I gladly took...
I stare at his shoes and see the reflection of his face.
then,
I asked him
he was silent for a while...
then he turned his face and looked at me straght in my eyes... then replied. "why do you hate?"
he pointed to the sky and waved his hands... he drew something in the smoke of weed I couldn't figure out... then he pulled a wet tissue and rubbed it in his face.
"Im just like you... broken. "
"im just like you... Ordinary"
"im just like you... Alone"
"but I'm not like you... I didn't hate."
he pointed to the sky again and drew... I stare at the motion of his fingers, rather than the dooddle smoke I couldn't catch...
he was trying to draw a shape of a heart...
"I learned to love, but I was played..."
"I learned to forgive but I was pushed too hard"
"I learned to hope... but I was ignored all the time..."
"I learned to cope up... So I can keep what I needed... but I forgot to protect WHY I needed them.."
"I kept what I needed... but I lost my heart in the process... what's left of me is the unchanging face... and a dead eye..."
"I have what I wanted, But I'm no longer who I was... "
"and I dont know anymore who I am."
"can you see me?.... can you recognized me?"
he turned his face in his shoes again and stare blankly at his doll face... I opened my mouth and blow some smoke out... open my palm and reached the sky... I then replied.
"I learned to hope, but I failed... I learned to loved but I was used... I learned to work hard... but I was manipulated... I learned to hate.. to protect myself... I lost someone special... and I lost my dreams... My passion is dead... and i have nothing left inside myself..."
" I am selfish, and I trust no one... is it so bad? ....nah... It doesn't matter if it is..."
"I kept my heart... and lost everything in return... why won't I hate? ... "
He offered me his last stick of weed, as he was slowly standing from where he sat... then he murmmered this words...
"nothing alive is real... nor are they fake... nothing will make sense... because everything is nothing... if you fear... then your fearing about nothing, and if you hate... then you are hating nothing.... there's nothing ... everything is white... everything is black... even blood... but my blood is red... is it?... it is... "
he cut the tip of his finger and started to doodle a heart shaped line in the wall...
"Im just like you... and so is the rest of the world... we are heartless... or we are hated. I wear a mask so I can hide my lost heart.... and you wear your hatred... cause you fear everything .... hahaha... you fear something that's already gone."
he puffed my last weed... and smiled... he told me everything about his family... and I told him about my dreams... we talked for hours... and hours... and hours... then he sat again and stared at his shoes... I stood up and walked away...
I looked at my shoes... as I kept walking....
he sat smoking weed, while he lean his back at a broken wall painted with grafitti of dreams,
I walked around tracing his foot steps guiding my hands to the wall he crafted... one by one... word by word I read the writings...
"help..."
"I'm sorry..."
"help..."
"i need someone"
I found a doodle of a child hugging his mother... I saw a son holding the hand of his father... I saw a big brother sharing gift with a little child... I saw a parent, I saw a child, I saw a red smile... drawn in blood.
he didnt moved...
he stared blankly at his shined black shoes...
"what do you see?" he asked me...
" I see a broken man "
"what do you feel?" he asked me again...
his eyes are blank, nothing in his mind...
"I feel a broken dream..."
I then sat next to him. He politely offered me a stick of weed, which I gladly took...
I stare at his shoes and see the reflection of his face.
then,
I asked him
"why do you wear a smiling make up?"
he was silent for a while...
then he turned his face and looked at me straght in my eyes... then replied. "why do you hate?"
"because people hated me, played me... and ignored what I felt"
he pointed to the sky and waved his hands... he drew something in the smoke of weed I couldn't figure out... then he pulled a wet tissue and rubbed it in his face.
"Im just like you... broken. "
"im just like you... Ordinary"
"im just like you... Alone"
"but I'm not like you... I didn't hate."
he pointed to the sky again and drew... I stare at the motion of his fingers, rather than the dooddle smoke I couldn't catch...
he was trying to draw a shape of a heart...
"I learned to love, but I was played..."
"I learned to forgive but I was pushed too hard"
"I learned to hope... but I was ignored all the time..."
"I learned to cope up... So I can keep what I needed... but I forgot to protect WHY I needed them.."
"I kept what I needed... but I lost my heart in the process... what's left of me is the unchanging face... and a dead eye..."
"I have what I wanted, But I'm no longer who I was... "
"and I dont know anymore who I am."
"can you see me?.... can you recognized me?"
he turned his face in his shoes again and stare blankly at his doll face... I opened my mouth and blow some smoke out... open my palm and reached the sky... I then replied.
"I learned to hope, but I failed... I learned to loved but I was used... I learned to work hard... but I was manipulated... I learned to hate.. to protect myself... I lost someone special... and I lost my dreams... My passion is dead... and i have nothing left inside myself..."
" I am selfish, and I trust no one... is it so bad? ....nah... It doesn't matter if it is..."
"I kept my heart... and lost everything in return... why won't I hate? ... "
He offered me his last stick of weed, as he was slowly standing from where he sat... then he murmmered this words...
"nothing alive is real... nor are they fake... nothing will make sense... because everything is nothing... if you fear... then your fearing about nothing, and if you hate... then you are hating nothing.... there's nothing ... everything is white... everything is black... even blood... but my blood is red... is it?... it is... "
he cut the tip of his finger and started to doodle a heart shaped line in the wall...
"Im just like you... and so is the rest of the world... we are heartless... or we are hated. I wear a mask so I can hide my lost heart.... and you wear your hatred... cause you fear everything .... hahaha... you fear something that's already gone."
he puffed my last weed... and smiled... he told me everything about his family... and I told him about my dreams... we talked for hours... and hours... and hours... then he sat again and stared at his shoes... I stood up and walked away...
"nothing...."
"do i hate? ...out of nothing?... do I hate... cause I fear everything in my past?"
I looked at my shoes... as I kept walking....
Saturday, October 9, 2010
last letter
hope's everything went well. you havent visited your friendster,,, and havent deleted our pics... somehow it made me glad... sorry i did found out that your already married. oct 1? with ramil... dunno if it was just a joke... but did hurted me pretty badly. anyway hinde naman yun yung gs2 kong sabhin... few hours from now and it will be your birthday.. sabe nila its lucky daw. 10.10.10 my cousin gonna get married on that day pala. and my mom's living next march, me? I just brought ton of stuff with what I was trying to save for us dati, been enjoying photography, was able to buy a dslr camera pero nikon D3000 lang, wanted the new released the d90... pero it was too much for my budget... been spending time going out to restaurant I wanted to take you before... but was not able to do cause of the money I was really trying to crawl up for the near future, i guessed i planned it too much... was able to use some of the money to fixed my room... and have some capital to push the baking hobby im profiting every year... si ate Liza, yung kapitbahay namen before sa letter B? yung umalis dahil nakabili ng lupa? bumalik sila.. pero asa unit D na sila ngayun, and i was able to convinced her to be my partner... yungd ating anak nya is already 16 years old... wow.. ang bilis ng oras,,,
para kong tanga... nakkipagusap sa email mo... haha its the only way i can say this things without getting scared or pissed off or desperate, somehow the time stopped in this account you never visited. I'm keeping a blog pala... somehow it releases my thoughts... im actually pretty mad at you... and the rest of the female blood... before I can easilt respect them... right now... i really feel we are all equal na... honestly.. I dont owe them anything... they deserve anything the world will give to them... may it be happiness or sadness... I shouldn't care na lang.
wow... i never thought we will be another what if... haha i never thought we will be another past... anyway.. like you said. if you meet new people... they inspires you to change... i guess i did change... I never thought I can hate this much. . .
I dont hate you... but i know i feel like hating every women i see.. haha i rmemeber before lage akong tumatayu sa LRT whenever may makita akong babae, even thou pagod na ako, i wont mind... ill happily stand... but right now... honestly,,, i can look at them in the eye and just sit there... well except talaga if i see that they are on a worst possible condition... im not heartless...
feels really weird hating women this match. doesn't even feels right.
sooner or later.. ill probably find a new girlfriend... still hoping somehow, but right now, I really dont have anything Im inspired on doing... just crossing out some checklist of things I wanted to make... hope ill pass my board exam next year so I can cross that off my list, still need to loose a lot of weight... oh yeah... I should get my license and visa&passport ready.
4 years... :) I guess what we had was nt that much to you...
I thought it was worth protecting rather than my dreams... haha i guess it was'nt, I cant even feel it anymore... the passion of having a dream... neither the anticipation of succeeding a plan.. I guess this is good to. my mom said in 5 years time... my green card will be given to me. ill start a new life after 5 years. . . right now. ill try to patch things up.
2 hours and 30 minutes... your going to have the luckiest birthday of your life. . . :) hahaha and I'm not part of it . We never had a chance to properly end our past... i guess this last letter will be mine.
I wont visit this site for awhile... next time I visit...
I hope we would be able to just talk... until this memorry fades... I dont think I could..
happy birthday kim.
i miss you
i love you...
bye...
para kong tanga... nakkipagusap sa email mo... haha its the only way i can say this things without getting scared or pissed off or desperate, somehow the time stopped in this account you never visited. I'm keeping a blog pala... somehow it releases my thoughts... im actually pretty mad at you... and the rest of the female blood... before I can easilt respect them... right now... i really feel we are all equal na... honestly.. I dont owe them anything... they deserve anything the world will give to them... may it be happiness or sadness... I shouldn't care na lang.
wow... i never thought we will be another what if... haha i never thought we will be another past... anyway.. like you said. if you meet new people... they inspires you to change... i guess i did change... I never thought I can hate this much. . .
I dont hate you... but i know i feel like hating every women i see.. haha i rmemeber before lage akong tumatayu sa LRT whenever may makita akong babae, even thou pagod na ako, i wont mind... ill happily stand... but right now... honestly,,, i can look at them in the eye and just sit there... well except talaga if i see that they are on a worst possible condition... im not heartless...
feels really weird hating women this match. doesn't even feels right.
sooner or later.. ill probably find a new girlfriend... still hoping somehow, but right now, I really dont have anything Im inspired on doing... just crossing out some checklist of things I wanted to make... hope ill pass my board exam next year so I can cross that off my list, still need to loose a lot of weight... oh yeah... I should get my license and visa&passport ready.
4 years... :) I guess what we had was nt that much to you...
I thought it was worth protecting rather than my dreams... haha i guess it was'nt, I cant even feel it anymore... the passion of having a dream... neither the anticipation of succeeding a plan.. I guess this is good to. my mom said in 5 years time... my green card will be given to me. ill start a new life after 5 years. . . right now. ill try to patch things up.
2 hours and 30 minutes... your going to have the luckiest birthday of your life. . . :) hahaha and I'm not part of it . We never had a chance to properly end our past... i guess this last letter will be mine.
I wont visit this site for awhile... next time I visit...
I hope we would be able to just talk... until this memorry fades... I dont think I could..
happy birthday kim.
i miss you
i love you...
bye...
A hole and a Well
run...
run away...
run away...
a neglected dog barking its feelings toward an unfamiliar face....
BANG!!
a wood slammed to the dogs mouth....
breaking his jaw...
throwing him off his four feet...
bleeding in his mouth that he cannot close anymore...
his tongue loose off his mouth... dripping off the bloody spit of life he has left...
he struggled to stand....
he pushes to be stronger...
he stared to whats left of the world he can only see..
crying his eyes out so he can speak out what he wanted to say...
with his broken jaw... and a lifeless tongue he shouted a loud cry...
but the only sound left was the air coming out of his lungs...
through his neck... out of his mouth...
again he cried for the pain ...
again he cried for hope...
again he tried to shout...
BANG!!
another hit from a unfamiliar man...
now with his feet....
BANG!!
now with his body...
again.. he cried,,,
again... he tried...
in his last cry... he stare at the face of the man...
an eye with nothing but his own desire...
an eye who is passionate for his own happiness...
an eye who is willing to sacrifice anything for his own...
an eye that blames everything around him except himself...
nothing...
Sunday, October 3, 2010
A split of reality: A broken Love and a fixed heart
I was looking for a textile I brought few months ago which I wanted to use for my packaging on my business...
Clothes everywhere... old toys I kept for souvenirs... and a big plastic box were I kepy my magazines (not the dirty magzine of course... I have it all in CD... hahahah), and yeah this was like 2004 2005 magazines I found interesting when I was still back in college, together with this pile of interest I found this big card , , ,
I was excited to know who it was from... then I saw the word..
"hon"
...oh...
my 2nd girlfriend..
my second girlfriend was an accident romance just like my 4th and previous ex girlfriend... I never intended to court nor even asked them out... It was a will of interest in my part, I didnt know what my 4th gf looked like and the photo of my 2nd girlfriend .. ehhhh i find her a bit... hmnnn manly. hahaha she really have a box shaped head with a cute little chin. I really find her face cute and hilarious...
I was looking inside the yellow pastic bag where the big card was and found a piece of paper with my writing on it saying how much I love her... and a small sketch photo which I rememebr getting when we were in some fair... It was funny though our faced was so young and there still some hint of naiveness and confusion in our eyes..
I'm wondering.. how does it felt when I was too innoccent to know what it means to be in-love...
I remember how we met... We accidently found each other over the net just chatting of course... and I rememebr getting an arguement from her which lead to a movie called "a walk to remember" It is actually my first movie where in I brought the original copy... instead of the pirated. That's when she said she never had the chance to watch it...
our arguement I think was because she was never fond of eye balls... and fixed dated or something related to strangers meeting other strangers... then we talk...
and talk...
and talk...
then the movie...
The cinema release of course already ended. So I can't possibly asked her out with that excuse... that's when I found me saying...
"ok I'll lend you my CD just bring it back to me in one piece"
maybe she forgoten that we haven't really met... and she aswered..
"cge"...
I remmeber she messaged me back again in a split seconds saying she take it back... she doesn't want to meet me... I was laughing so hard cause I know she realized we don't know each other personally...
I forced her to meet me saying that she's obligated, it was a legal agreement blah blah blah... then we decided to meet over robinson's place, I kept calling her "ate" cause she was ahead of me for a year... so i jsut kept txting her
"ate asan ka na ba"
Then I saw her... wearing jean and a top of white and light blue blouse..., she was wearing her hair straight down, all shiny black... flatly delicate framing her cute face... she has this small amount of blush on that show off her expressive smile...
wow.....
as I read through the letter she gaved me, I can only smile and rememebr how it felt like... I hope i was man enough back then to face her feelings... I hope I managed to love her with all of my heart even thou we didnt last...
her words back then...
her feelings...
everything is sealed by time for it to be forever... we didnt last for a life time... but the feelings of the past will always remain forever.
I talked to her about 2 months ago... catching up. not really talking about the past...
she was in love with a new guy. and I'm happy for her.
can't wait to find that feeling again.
I'm excited.
Asian Flavor: Batangas City
I need to say I love the ambiance of this restaurant... from the decor and sounds that they pick.. It was pretty relaxing... and the pricing isn't really that much... :) really affordable. Starter
Tokiyami??...ata...
Really wished I was taking notes when they were serving the food.. but I'm sure we didn't order this... tasted like tokiyami, haha, maybe it was the appetizer of the dish we ordered.. Loved the soft but very intact texture and the flavor... really tasted like tokiyami... I promise.
Boneless Bangus (not the dish name)
hmnn... taste great!.. im not that fond with the texture thou.. I love my fish to be really thick. and have a crispy skin when served... I really couldn't taste much of the fish meat cause of the awesome sauce.
Beef ....something..
GRR! hate misou soup... wherever It is served... I hate it's taste... hate its texture.. I hate its smell! ... uhh but the chunky beef slices of this dish was awesome... It's no Holy Cow dish but yeah.. it is juicy, tender... and... man.. love the flavor... not to fond of the side dish except for the salad strips... I'm not sre what those violet thing was,,, but It sure wasn't for my mouth... I couldn't even swallow it... really... tasted.... weird...
BULALO!! (beef bone marrow soup)
YEAH!!! AWESOME!! love the broth.. with chunk's of the bone marrow YUM!!! hey... whoever enter this restaurant and didn't order this soup?.... your crazy! hmnnn have it while it's really hot.. the marrow really literally melts in your tongue. :) the vegestables... YUM!! still crispy fresh!!
Carrot Shake
uhhmnn. what? I like carrot shakes....
Crispy Pata! ( Mr. Heart Stopper )
Aside from the lovely "bulalo" this dish can never.. I mean never be left out! It's crispy sweet! every inch of this dish is worth finger licking awesssomeee!
NOTE: be sure you have a very healthy driver when your going here,,, this dish is really a heart stopper. not allowed for 50 and above. hahaha!
Strawberry Rippled ( second comeback )
This photos was actually taken in two different time... :) the first day was the carrot shake and the second day I took the strawberry rippled.. I was a bit curious how it tasted like... well... It taste like strawberry shake... only... thicker.
Tempura ( king prawns )
noting really special about this... huge prawns deep fried... hmnnn problem with this dish... is that they left the tail in tact... but deep fried it together with the body... i dunno... that's not the way I cook my tempura.. I always make sure I have the clean tail out... not marinate no flour on it.. just clean cooked or steamed.. tail.
If your going to batangas. Check out Lima Park Hotel ask for the Asian Flavor, It is located along the area of the hotel's pool. :):)
Chef Wong
Sunday.. Got nothing to do..
so my friend and I went to SM san lazaro to hang out, we saw this fast food chain, some what like chowking so I decided to settle in this spot, nothing really that interesting about the food, I still think Flavor of China still knocks more flavors... but, it's not that bad either... loved the chicken feet... hehe I really love street foods or anything related to that. :):)
I cant say much about this fast food nor the food, nothing really that interesting, just wanted to post the pictures I took.
HAHA!
yeah I'm a stupid blogger... I even forgot to take the names of the food we ordered.
:P
Oh well I'll Make up some name. and I'll try to rememeber the taste... If I can..
Beef Siomai
hmnnn... well it was really beefy.. I really wish there were more heat...
uhmnn grilled chicken???
sorry... she's the one who ate that... can't remember the taste...
well the chicken was juicy...
Sweet and Sour Pork
even when I was still eating in chowking... This is always my first choice.. If I see a restaurant or a dine in with this in the menu?.... yeah,,, No more arguements. I'll have that please!
except...
If there is a "pusit" ... specially if it is grilled... man...
can I have both?!
we'll... nothing realy special. the vegestables were served in chunks. I'm missing the taste of red and green pepper which I really enjoy eating together with pineapples.. then a white rice... then the pork with that thick sauce...
it was a dissapointment actually... oh well... it is their recipe after all...
Fried Rice?!?
yawn.... again...
YAWNNNNNN!!
YAWNNNNNN!!
ADIDASS!!! Paa ng Manok!!
Hahaha I really dont care about how it taste.. cause I was eating it with so many spices that I couldnt feel my tongue anymore... yeah. thats streets food lover for you.. jamb me with a lot of dip sauce and add lotsa garlic and spices!!! yeah.. the bone was tender with a little crunch.. I can remember some flavor when I was devouring it and sipping the bones? I just cant pin point It.. hahaha! yeah... wished they were serving Isaw... that would really be nice together with one san mig light.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
candle ghost
I can feel your hands...
I can hear your voice
unfamiliar...
but very welcoming feeling...
I can feel your love..
I can recognize your stare...
but...
who are you...
I'm falling in a unanimated familiarity...
but....
who are you...
My heads settles whenever I can feel you...
I can feel you...
but where are you...
Soon... we will meet...
Soon I can find you...
Soon I can recognize you...
soon...
Is it wrong?
Is it even possible?...
why am I falling for you...
who are you?
.....thanks.... Soon...
I will recognize you.
I can hear your voice
unfamiliar...
but very welcoming feeling...
I can feel your love..
I can recognize your stare...
but...
who are you...
I'm falling in a unanimated familiarity...
but....
who are you...
My heads settles whenever I can feel you...
I can feel you...
but where are you...
Soon... we will meet...
Soon I can find you...
Soon I can recognize you...
soon...
Is it wrong?
Is it even possible?...
why am I falling for you...
who are you?
.....thanks.... Soon...
I will recognize you.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A reason for dreaming
theres more to life that what was preceeded.. I cannot stay looking at the worse possible scenario to prevent it... I rather see it as a whole... and focused on achieving what is better... call me selfish... but I will try to carved it with your dreams also...
--Primo
This happened few days ago, I was walking along the street of Pasay, when I saw an Old lady, "lola" for our Tagalog term, having an argument with his "Apo" (Grandson/Granddaughter), I thought it was a simple fight among street vendors... but I saw him push out her lola just to get his stick back... while he walked away... I was maybe just 2 feet away from them, buying "taho" (fresh soft/silken tofu, with brown sugar and vanilla syrup and pearl sago) and I was shocked as he grabbed his stick and forcefully pulled it away from his lola, to the point that he almost pulled her tripping to the ground... good thing she let go...
My head was burning with my blood pulping away from my skin,I was really mad... I really want to grab that teenager and just beat him down the ground! and break his skull and pour my taho to his already fried brain from the ragby his using! but... I saw another guy just grabbed him pulled him away from the ground and gave him a fierce look... and started shouting.. "tang ina mong addict ka ang kapal ng mukha mo! lola mo yun!!"
He walked away from that guy and just murmered,
"tarantado pala kayo.. bat nyo pinapakialaman gamit ko"
I was stunned... and was truly ashamed he used those word...
Those words...
was also mine....
I dont really use bulgar words or bad mouth any of my family members.. well... not intentionally or in a day by day basis... I'm also guilty atleast twice, with the heat up arguement... but.
"Don't touch my stuff...."
those are my words...
even with my mom...
even with my mom...
I stared at his lola as she quickly walk away from the crowd, she sat like a lonely dog in the middle of the street and just stared at his wasted apo and cried...
My mom is 52..., and I was looking at his lola, and I think she's around in her late 60... with the dry wrinkled dark skin and all almost fading white hair...
she just sat,,,
cried,,,
and stared at her apo.
F+ck.
Here I am... worrying about my failed relationships.... my failed board examination... wasted how many months figuring what to do with my life... figuring what happend in the past, confused and worried on what the future will be holding and beat me up again... and she....
she's almost dried her life away... few years from now... she will pass... few years from now... the people who saw her... even me... will forget her... but her eyes... the eyes that tears with worries and confusion... aren't the same eyes I saw when I looked at the mirror... It was not even half of the emotion I was carrying.
The eyes I saw in the mirror... are the same eyes of the drugged teenager... A mad... confused... Full of pride... stucked in his ragby buble...
Eyes that blames a person for his situation...
chained and broken... but proudly walking off his reality...
Those were his eyes...
And...
Those were the eyes I felt when I was looking at myself.
Enough.
No matter what I do. No matter how much I think about it... It is over. My ex probably have moved on, my Examination result will be the same... but... I have a regular job. My pay isn't really to bragged but does pay the bills... I'm not sick... well... physicallly. ( I hope so), I have a complete set of hands and a well trained feet... I have an average I.Q. and a steady focused mind when it comes to money matters. Yeah. . . I want money.... just like you.
Being in a broken family.... Growing up alone.... being ridicule... fooled... played... lied too... pressured... and undignified by other people draws a very bloody line of emotional dilema inside me. but... so what? ....I'm as capable of hurting other people the same way they can hurt me... but. I'm also capable of walking away just like lola did...
but im not as weak as her... im 26... graduated archietcture... been studying small business Ideas for 3 years, been investing equipments for a small design group... been investing my mind with programs that I could use.
fck this dilema.
so what if i'm hurt?
So what If I will be hurt again...
no.
My mom... she is a single parent... My biological father is a trash, a well oiled spoiled trash who doesn't know the meaning of a "man". . . . She sacrifised all her life trying to fixed what was done.
guess what?
my turn now.
My mom, my cousin... my uncle... my friends.... they are a big pieces who molded me... not my ex, not the exam,,, its only 10 years of my life.... i spend 16 years with other people... and I have more years to spend..
I am my mom's biggest investment... I dont want to see her the way I saw lola... I dont want to see a single tear fall in her eyes cause I choose to be stopped by my own dilema.
I am my mom's biggest investment... I dont want to see her the way I saw lola... I dont want to see a single tear fall in her eyes cause I choose to be stopped by my own dilema.
enough.
I'm pushing on.
My family carved a path for me to walk on... they carried me when I have a weak knee...
my friends thought me values of happiness and helped me draw my dreams...
my exes? they thought me the importance of love and respect... commitment and trust.
My board.... thought no matter how prepared you are... sometimes... It wont be enough... but you are encourage to try. . . and try. . . and try. . . ( HAHAHAHA)
nah...
Failures will mold you...
but your actions after will define who you are.
I'm pushing on... and will pull the trigger of determination in his mind.
Im carving a path big enough for those who welcomed me...
- Primo Rico
I couldn't post his picteures but... please look at his work. somehow... this gives me a big shame for even thinking of the word "give up" in myself... who am I.. who are we to stop... if this people still desires to live.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/24537983@N00/755071676#/photos/reinar/755071676/
I couldn't post his picteures but... please look at his work. somehow... this gives me a big shame for even thinking of the word "give up" in myself... who am I.. who are we to stop... if this people still desires to live.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/24537983@N00/755071676#/photos/reinar/755071676/
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
r
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Pagbabago
"We shouldered pain and cultivate a system that detour's reality... Slowly sinking ourselves from our shallow thoughts and shattered emotions... We are distinctly alike in our ghost that proclaimed our lives"
Change...
A Gloomy sky and damped wind.... Whispers words that repeatedly stabbed.
I never wanted it...
But I needed it.
Let me tell my story on the pattern I know... It may not be all the reality of my past, but.., It is the truth of how I felt it...
I catered thoughts and principles that tied me down on the world I saw within me... Sharing vision and perspectives are my strings that attached me to the people around me.
A Gloomy sky and damped wind.... Whispers words that repeatedly stabbed.
Weirdo....
Pathetic....
Looser.
I never paid attention before, but nonetheless the silence of nights reminds me of the morning dust that covered my sight... A simple smile and a million laughter of a cracked jokes and me as an annoying mime., and a monkey chasing dreamer are my relationship with them.. but a simple phrase that shattered the thoughts... and cut my individuality...
"....When we meet new people... They Inspire us to change..."
Inspiration....
Change? ....
I broke down few months ago... The foundation I built within me.... scattered into pieces, molded emotions and confused thoughts started to eat me....
I don't want it to dominate me. but as Calloused as a carpenter's hand...
It cut me.
I bleed decision's I'm not proud of... I have scars that insecure my dignity... I shouted words as I try to gagged my thoughts.... But a swollen wound and a broken soul.... I fell down on sharp aggregates of judgments that tore me apart....
but.....
my soul didn't even mind.
A four year old love trauma ended in a simple conversation and a weekly anticipation of a promise of an answer for questions that banged my head a thousand times and a million more...
where are we now....
where are we heading...?
Communication lost as unanswered dilemma continued to scream words my friends kept telling me for two years...
"Walk Away..."
Change?
I never wanted it.
I took Architecture as my tool for creating the visions I had... But the value of a honest emotion and sharpened mind doesn't cut in a trigger happy reality.
For two years I was in and out of companies trying to crawl my way to the end of my Apprenticeship Training... Continuously but secretly studying my way up to my licensed career... On my third year after graduation... I was finally admitted to take my board.
But reality bit me. . . and sunk it's fangs in my soulless throne... Deeper... undeniable. There's no more words to say no more blood to spill...
nothing.
I was broken down.
I broke down.
or... so I thought.
Change?
I didn't know how to accept it.
My Love affair with my soulless shadow and a puppet of thoughts grows a routine that woke me up every 3:00am, just to smoke down the tears... A post dated attitude and a masked ion on fiction started to beat inside me...
My life plan haven't changed... But loosing "her" created my plans into a checklist of crossword puzzle with a redundant clues... I cannot draw... I cannot sketch.... I couldn't design.... I felt every emotions... but chained my thoughts within.
But, a unseen craving left me in front of my monitor... Doodling words without a second to spare... I was creating lyrics where I'm the only one who knows the song... a small smirk... and a little glow finally caught my eyes.
For a month, I chatted down my world... I learned to write... and created a blog on my own... I wasn't able to find an answer to why things happened...
I don't know how long I could or would blog... but like the failed plans I made and empty casket of promises I couldn't face... I still and should kept going...
until then,,, I'll keep moving forward.
Change is as consistent as our choices... and as determined as our cravings...
We may not seek for it, But it is a part of anyone who dreams... It can be a chain that will hold you back... or a knife that will slice you up...
or... A will that will whisper
theres more to life that what was preceeded.. I cannot stay looking at the worse possible scenario to prevent it... I rather see it as a whole... and focused on achieving what is better... call me selfish... but I will try to carved it with your dreams also...
This happened few days ago, I was walking along the street of Pasay, when I saw an Old lady, "lola" for our Tagalog term, having an argument with his "Apo" (Grandson/Granddaughter), I thought it was a simple fight among street vendors... but I saw him push out her lola just to get his stick back... while he walked away... I was maybe just 2 feet away from them, buying "taho" (fresh soft/silken tofu, with brown sugar and vanilla syrup and pearl sago) and I was shocked as he grabbed his stick and forcefully pulled it away from his lola, to the point that he almost pulled her tripping to the ground... good thing she let go...
My head was burning with my blood pulping away from my skin,I was really mad... I really want to grab that teenager and just beat him down the ground! and break his skull and pour my taho to his already fried brain from the ragby his using! but... I saw another guy just grabbed him pulled him away from the ground and gave him a fierce look... and started shouting.. "tang ina mong addict ka ang kapal ng mukha mo! lola mo yun!!"
He walked away from that guy and just murmered,
I was stunned... and was truly ashamed he used those word...
Those words...
I dont really use bulgar words or bad mouth any of my family members.. well... not intentionally or in a day by day basis... I'm also guilty atleast twice, with the heat up arguement... but.
Enough.
My board.... thought no matter how prepared you are... sometimes... It wont be enough... but you are encourage to try. . . and try. . . and try. . . ( HAHAHAHA)
nah...
Failures will mold you...
but your actions after will define who you are.
I'm pushing on... and will pull the trigger of determination in his mind.
- Primo Rico
My life plan haven't changed... But loosing "her" created my plans into a checklist of crossword puzzle with a redundant clues... I cannot draw... I cannot sketch.... I couldn't design.... I felt every emotions... but chained my thoughts within.
But, a unseen craving left me in front of my monitor... Doodling words without a second to spare... I was creating lyrics where I'm the only one who knows the song... a small smirk... and a little glow finally caught my eyes.
For a month, I chatted down my world... I learned to write... and created a blog on my own... I wasn't able to find an answer to why things happened...
but.
I found a answer to where I'm going....
I don't know how long I could or would blog... but like the failed plans I made and empty casket of promises I couldn't face... I still and should kept going...
I'll find my new reason.
until then,,, I'll keep moving forward.
Change is as consistent as our choices... and as determined as our cravings...
We may not seek for it, But it is a part of anyone who dreams... It can be a chain that will hold you back... or a knife that will slice you up...
or... A will that will whisper
"you can't give up."
It will all depend on how you want to accept it.
APIR!!! SMILE!! and live once in awhile!!!
A reason for dreaming
theres more to life that what was preceeded.. I cannot stay looking at the worse possible scenario to prevent it... I rather see it as a whole... and focused on achieving what is better... call me selfish... but I will try to carved it with your dreams also...
--Primo
This happened few days ago, I was walking along the street of Pasay, when I saw an Old lady, "lola" for our Tagalog term, having an argument with his "Apo" (Grandson/Granddaughter), I thought it was a simple fight among street vendors... but I saw him push out her lola just to get his stick back... while he walked away... I was maybe just 2 feet away from them, buying "taho" (fresh soft/silken tofu, with brown sugar and vanilla syrup and pearl sago) and I was shocked as he grabbed his stick and forcefully pulled it away from his lola, to the point that he almost pulled her tripping to the ground... good thing she let go...
My head was burning with my blood pulping away from my skin,I was really mad... I really want to grab that teenager and just beat him down the ground! and break his skull and pour my taho to his already fried brain from the ragby his using! but... I saw another guy just grabbed him pulled him away from the ground and gave him a fierce look... and started shouting.. "tang ina mong addict ka ang kapal ng mukha mo! lola mo yun!!"
He walked away from that guy and just murmered,
"tarantado pala kayo.. bat nyo pinapakialaman gamit ko"
I was stunned... and was truly ashamed he used those word...
Those words...
was also mine....
I dont really use bulgar words or bad mouth any of my family members.. well... not intentionally or in a day by day basis... I'm also guilty atleast twice, with the heat up arguement... but.
"Don't touch my stuff...."
those are my words...
even with my mom...
even with my mom...
I stared at his lola as she quickly walk away from the crowd, she sat like a lonely dog in the middle of the street and just stared at his wasted apo and cried...
My mom is 52..., and I was looking at his lola, and I think she's around in her late 60... with the dry wrinkled dark skin and all almost fading white hair...
she just sat,,,
cried,,,
and stared at her apo.
F+ck.
Here I am... worrying about my failed relationships.... my failed board examination... wasted how many months figuring what to do with my life... figuring what happend in the past, confused and worried on what the future will be holding and beat me up again... and she....
she's almost dried her life away... few years from now... she will pass... few years from now... the people who saw her... even me... will forget her... but her eyes... the eyes that tears with worries and confusion... aren't the same eyes I saw when I looked at the mirror... It was not even half of the emotion I was carrying.
The eyes I saw in the mirror... are the same eyes of the drugged teenager... A mad... confused... Full of pride... stucked in his ragby buble...
Eyes that blames a person for his situation...
chained and broken... but proudly walking off his reality...
Those were his eyes...
And...
Those were the eyes I felt when I was looking at myself.
Enough.
No matter what I do. No matter how much I think about it... It is over. My ex probably have moved on, my Examination result will be the same... but... I have a regular job. My pay isn't really to bragged but does pay the bills... I'm not sick... well... physicallly. ( I hope so), I have a complete set of hands and a well trained feet... I have an average I.Q. and a steady focused mind when it comes to money matters. Yeah. . . I want money.... just like you.
Being in a broken family.... Growing up alone.... being ridicule... fooled... played... lied too... pressured... and undignified by other people draws a very bloody line of emotional dilema inside me. but... so what? ....I'm as capable of hurting other people the same way they can hurt me... but. I'm also capable of walking away just like lola did...
but im not as weak as her... im 26... graduated archietcture... been studying small business Ideas for 3 years, been investing equipments for a small design group... been investing my mind with programs that I could use.
fck this dilema.
so what if i'm hurt?
So what If I will be hurt again...
no.
My mom... she is a single parent... My biological father is a trash, a well oiled spoiled trash who doesn't know the meaning of a "man". . . . She sacrifised all her life trying to fixed what was done.
guess what?
my turn now.
My mom, my cousin... my uncle... my friends.... they are a big pieces who molded me... not my ex, not the exam,,, its only 10 years of my life.... i spend 16 years with other people... and I have more years to spend..
I am my mom's biggest investment... I dont want to see her the way I saw lola... I dont want to see a single tear fall in her eyes cause I choose to be stopped by my own dilema.
I am my mom's biggest investment... I dont want to see her the way I saw lola... I dont want to see a single tear fall in her eyes cause I choose to be stopped by my own dilema.
enough.
I'm pushing on.
My family carved a path for me to walk on... they carried me when I have a weak knee...
my friends thought me values of happiness and helped me draw my dreams...
my exes? they thought me the importance of love and respect... commitment and trust.
My board.... thought no matter how prepared you are... sometimes... It wont be enough... but you are encourage to try. . . and try. . . and try. . . ( HAHAHAHA)
nah...
Failures will mold you...
but your actions after will define who you are.
I'm pushing on... and will pull the trigger of determination in his mind.
Im carving a path big enough for those who welcomed me...
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