Facebook Buddy Poke Rocks!!

Uhh... MY FRIENDS AND i LOVE THE BUDDY POKE!! been messing around in peoples walls just for the kick of it! hahaha!

Do visit my Blogspot!

http://www.windensky.blogspot.com/!!!

^^Mabuhay! ^^


in reference to: Facebook (view on Google Sidewiki)

Chapter 4: The Break Up

"thanks... whoever you are"

the last words I heard before she cried... I wanted to speak but I couldn't. I understand her pain... and I wanted to comfort her,,, but deep inside of me are just excuses I have for myself not to feel whatever I have in me. We never talked, we broke up over the phone,,, there were no closure to our 4 year relationship, just an empty waiting, and stagnant growing pain from moving forward...

"hi... it's me...

I stuttered as I push my lips to say something... I was starring at the leaves as the rain slowly fading away.... its almost 5 in the morning and I can hear the honky sound of the vendor selling puto and kuntyinta...

"bossing! you want? you want?"

i slowly smiled at him and just signed him no... not today.. It taste bitter... the cold coffee i have been holding since she called. I never realized how bitter it is till now... I grew silence waiting for my lips to say something.. when i heard her voice...

"it was not easy for me... and i know its not easy for you to... but this is where we ends..."

i wanted to cry, the pain of her saying that is like a jagged knife..

"I love you despite of the pain, despite of the reality of being hurt and the insanity of us not being together... Ive learned to love you near me.. I learned to love you in a distance... despite of our fights, despite of my insecurities and your demands... I have loved every pieces of us...

"I have loved you more than I have loved anyone... I have feared our future more than the pain I have...

theres no easy way of letting ourselves go knowing the relationship isn't there anymore... but the pain of knowing we gaved everything but theres no more "us"on our love...

I'm not wishing for your happiness... cause Im not sure Im ready to see that. Im selfishly inlove with you,,, even when you already learned to let me go.... Im not wishing for your relationship to move... knowing your already chosen to be with someone else... I despise your words... I hated your promses. I cursed you let me hold on, when you already held on to someone else..."

"There were no more us.. ...nothing but a past..."

I wanted to cry... I wanted to shout,,, I wanted to die. But as I opened the gate I heard her whispered with a sobbing voice...

"I love him for everything, from the sorrow and happiness... What ever the pain I have is not enough for a reason for me to give up... I let him go because I want to find myself... I let him go because he needs to learn to love me less... we cant be together not because we love each other less than the others... Ill cherish everything about who we are,,, its my pain and my strength so I can be better,,,"

The pain of letting go. and the pain of moving forward... its a cycle I couldnt understand... but the pain Im having isn't the pain of being hated, nor is it a feeling of being neglected or betrayed... a love that was real but lost is a memorry to remember, a pain that scars is a lesson i should learn to be better... I understand the pain Im having... It's the pain of having nothing but reality... the chase of being the best boyfriend I can be to her is gone, the fear of being a husband to her is done, to progress in my career to serve her better...to dream to go to placess... everything that gaved meaning to what i was doing is nothing but a past now... The pain im having isn't because of her... the pain i have is because i lost myself while holding on to hers...

there's no break up in a relationship that lived and died because of love...

i understand that now.

as I said my last words to her, as i listen to her last cry, as the sun rise up I found something... not a friend, not a meaning to what was... not even a clue of how she fall out of love, not destiny... not a happy ending... not a tragic end either.. i haven't found myself yet... but i found a very important part of it...

my reality.

Im not hopeless, im not hopeful, im not empty.. im not discourage... i haven't found my happiness, nor do I have a reason for sadness,,, I'm not alone, but Im not with anyone either, my simplest reality

"I am free"

My Short Stories Page 

Go Back To Main Page 

Chapter 3: The Butter Knife and Grass Rake

"I miss you too... I wish we could talk can I call you? -jeremy"

I can't hear anything. the rain havent stopped... the clapping sounds of the birds flying out of the rain...the buzzing sound of my cellphone... .... I can see them moving... but I can't feel anything... not even hear them...

"...."

am I feeling fear?





I starred at the phone... Its her 5th call now... why?... she knows i'm not Jeremy... why is she calling me?...

"Why?"

My hand started to move, I didn't have the energy to stop myself.. does my fear turned suddenly to curiosity? no... i dont think so... still nothing. even the fear I suddenly felt when I first saw my phone rang with her call...

why?...

I dont even who's this girl is... She doesn't even know who I am...

why?...

why did I felt the sudden catch of breath...

"i miss you..."

Her voice led a tear in my eyes... Its been a long time since I heard someone with this voice.... was It been 2 years now?.... I can still rememeber her voice... the first time we broke up.... the first time I heard her cried.... the first time I felt a pain inside of me.. cutting my soul... ripping my own sanity,,,,






I remember this pain....





...I remember this clearly...






but its not the same ..






not with what I have been feeling lately.






Her voice... It's not like what I imagine... angelic... sweet... innocent. I starred blankly at the sky... there was stilll some stars even with the heavy rain... I fool around with rain drops in the leaves while I listen to her seak...



I never opened my lips... not even in a blink of an eye did I opened It... I shut myself silence as I listen to her love story... as she confess her love towards jeremy....

"I can live a life without you loving me back... but i cant live a life knowing someday i have to let you go... we are meant to love each other... but we are not meant to be together... "
"I wanted you to see me when your eyes look at me... not just a girl who gave everything to a boy she always loved...

"I learned to love you more, but you thought me to love myself less..."


I stare at a distance, catching every confession she has... for the first time I wanted to speak to her... I wanted her to hear my voice...


Go Back To Chapter 2: Twin Scars
Go To Chapter 4: The Break Up ( Last Chapter )

Chapter 2: Twin Scars

The breakfast was nice, another pandesal dunked in a coffee while I watch the rain...




my headset is on. another song from the 90's... ...looks...fun...?



I never txted back...



I was staring at the number....



It's not from her...



I know.

"have I gone insane?"

.......

"I miss you"

.........

"I want to feel something..."

"please?"

"I feel so numb."

"Why can't I feel anything?"

"why? ... who are you? ...."

"....... "

There's a deep silence In our house,,, just me around. . .I can hear the echo of my tapping,

tap... tap... tap...

my mind will go from blank... to depression,

then blank...

...then silence...

then..... nothing.

buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

My eyes stare silently at the phone... another txt... from an anonymous sender... I just stare at my phone as I play around with the heavy raindrops in my hand. I dont feel anything... nothing... but i dont feel empty... not with my cellphone kept ringing... buzzing... moving... I feel like...





I have a stranger to accompany me with my confused feeling...





I took a stick in my hand, with my hand dripping wet from the rain i pushed read in my phone and blankly stared while it loads...





"Im sorry... I didnt mean to walk away from you... Jeremy? I miss you... I know We cant have what we had... I cant ask for us to be together again... "

silence...

"...nice..."

"...I'm not jeremy."

"...nice."

I don't want to be rude... but i cant helped but to crack a little laughter while i read the name "jeremy" .

Just my luck... another wrong sender. As I tried to think how can I say to her that she's txting a wrong person... another txt poped in my cell...


"I'm still inlove with you... But We are not meant to be... . you decided to be with your family... I need to decide to move along with my life... I didnt expect to miss you this much."



From deep emptiness I felt a small rock of anger in my blood... I hated girls like this... I hated men for putting their family in risk just to satisfy their pleasure... But I hated women more when they decide to be with a married guy...




I know what I will txt... I know what I want...

"I miss you too... I wish we could talk can I call you? -jeremy"

Go Back To Chapter 1" Smoking A Bad Habit

Go To Chapter 3: Butter Knife & a Grass Rake

Chapter 1: Smoking a bad habit

The silence of the midnight is a fearsome annotation of a past.

Every time I'm awake I can freely move forward with my life, but whenever I fell asleep my foots kept crawling back to my dimmed past...



same thoughts kept coming back....

"Is it enough?"

....I want to close my eyes without you looking back at me, I cant remember being satisfied with our little habitual dance, but there was an uncanny happiness...an uneasy feeling of happiness.



Its 3:30am in the morning when my body suddenly turned.



Silence in the air,,,

a cold whisper of thoughts... "I'm alone again...typical..."

I saw my cellphone vibrates under my sofa bed... "...shit" I silently whisper. a fear and excitement inside me are like knives cutting through my heart.





Did you text me... after 3 weeks of no communication?



after a month of waiting?



after the last promise you gave me....







I bravely held the phone and pressed the small circle in the middle to see what you wanted to say.

"3:30am WAKE UP ASSHOLE! TIME TO JOG!!"

It was just my alarm I made since the first time I held my new phone, I remember pointing out to you the "walk mate"program my new phone has, "haha I wont be alone every morning i wake up to run" you silently smile trying to look interested,,, I already have a concern about "us" since then.



I never run. I wanted too... but my feet too heavy, my legs feels so numb. I just wanted to wake up every time my phone rung.



that's all..

"stupid."

i told myself... for the last few weeks I kept tangling a web of hope of "us" to my needy soul... "I need to delete that stupid alarm" i silently scolded myself.





My brain... and my heart does not work well together. I'm smarter than what I have become... I know it. but my heart.... my heart is betraying my very soul. With all the quotes, with all the perceptions and perspective I kept posting in my facebook... i thought... If i read what my mind is thinking.... my heart would understand what I wanted to do.



"Emotero... Weirdo..."words that describes who I am now. I wish they know the feeling of pain...



Its not the same as a knife cut to your flesh,



its not the pain when a hot oil slowly spitted on your skin,,,



its not the pain when a person betrays you,,,




I wish I knew what this pain is... and what it meant....



I silently opened the front door of my unit and walk through the small hallway pass through our carport... I held a fliptop in my hand , slowly opening it with my trmbling hand.... ïts always cold in the morning" i murmured.



I silently smoked my thoughts of the past. If my brain dies so will my heart... as the chemicals in every puff kills the cells of my life....as i slowly enjoy the vague memorry slowly dissapearing....




Im not killing myself...



Im trying to set myself free from the shackles of my past....







then my cellphone rung... "another alarm"? I asked myself while ignoring it... I love how it vibrates in my hands... like an alive creature slowly dying in my hand... like a heart i have.. slowly loosing hope.... then it will just stop.



I turned the phone over to see what I listed for todays quest to live a lie of a fruitful life.... " such a hypocrite" I admitted.



I saw the small envelope in my screen and a message appeared.

"1 unread message"

I opened it and frozed....



I dropped the cigarette and checked if I read the message wrong...



It was a no name sender...



I recognized the number...



but It was not in my list...



with my confused joy i read it with my lips and whispered the words...

"I miss you..."

Go To Chapter 2: Twin Scars