Chapter 1: Love and Fears

  The window disguised in an old bamboo house, is a squared hole where I stare at the moon while patiently waiting for my girl to come home from her school. She often walks in paved road always walking away from the soil of our province, I would dress up just to have a strength to see her, working in a farm on my young age burned my skin and soiled my foot, but despite of it all... she loved me with all of her heart.

  The anticipation of seeing her bag across the tall grasses of our lot, Is like a Christmas day from a child. She is always someone new to me, even though she always stays the same on our years of friendship.

  I secretly smell her hair praying she wouldn't noticed... I trembled in fear knowing she will stay away from me once she find out... getting slapped or kicked or punched is a minor problem for me if it will came from her... but knowing I could loose her... or knowing I will loose her because of my pity games of wanting to be closer... Is a death bed of torn in my thoughts.

  She would smile back at me and ask me what my dream will be, We are not old, but we are not young either, In the age of 14, I know I just want to stay by her side.

  But everyday... I would wait for her in anticipation, not just to see her,,, or to smell again her lovely hair... but for her to walk along the unpaved road....

"Hey cmon! get out of here we need to go to school now!!"

  I would purposely make her wait... wishing she would just take a foot away from the road she has been walking in and move forward to mine... but she patiently wait there, holding her backpack and her pink umbrella above her head.

 "come closer, the suns too high it will burn your skin more"

  She would often say to me followed again with her lovely giggle. While I always stay away from her pink umbrella and just poised my walk as man, proud and loud to be under the sun. with my chest all out and stomach all in, I move forward on her side... I was trying to be funny, I love to see her laugh, at least that smile and giggles...

those were only mine. 

  My fears... my worries... everything about how I felt around being with her were never shown, not a cloud in the sky, not a tear in my eye... nothing. I put on a small jokes a little laughter and a plan on a side when I'm with her, showing her that I can be better, that I will be better. Thats there's more to me that who I am now.

but not all plans receives good results in the end.

  It was summer of march, the ending of our high school year, everyone was happy and eager to see their family for vacations, while few of us are planning and dreaming to take the city entrance exam for college. I was planning to take Business Administration while she was taking accountancy, I said to myself.. I studied harder than most of my friends,,, I can get in the school wherever she may want to take it.

  I was holding a sea shell ring I brought from a friend, It was her favorite color of white and pink that she adore so much while I was wearing a leather brown I made from an old belt I was using in my school. My voice was a bit dried from running all over our little barrio, trying to spot an old pink hello kitty umbrella on the fiesta crowd. 

"who you looking for?"

  I saw her uncle with a terrifying face locked into mine... I stood in fear knowing he dislike me and my friends... I quietly shook my head and said "no one sir..."

  It was almost night time and still I couldn't find her. I decided to walk back home...

tick tack...

tick tack...

tick tack...

as i move away from the fiesta crowd... The songs and the dancing people are slowly a fading sound.... I can hear the insects talking again in the grass and my wristwatch telling me...

time is running out....

I stopped and stare at the mountain trail, and watched the light dance around our field of rice and corns, the sun is about to sleep and moon is starting to wake up... again,,, the uneasy feeling. I suddenly remember her uncle's eyes... staring at me... for some reason there's a different fear I'm feeling today. 

I locked my hand on the sea shell ring I have for her... imagining it was her hands im holding on...

"..."

"..."

I want to say something.... but I couldn't,



I'm lost in words...



I'm lost in thoughts...







"hey..."

   I saw her smiling at me, while she play around bare footed on the soil ground, lightly kicking the dry grounds... 

My mind was shut.

my heart started to thumbed.

my hands felt numb...

my foot was stocked.

   She moved forward.. towards me.. a smile and a little grin in her face... she was teasing me again I guess.. I always look dumb when I stare blankly on things she often criticized... I asked my body to move... my hand hiding under my backpack... I wanted to give her the ring but I couldn't....

For years I waited for her to move away from the paved ground....

For years I waited for her to walk along mine...

For years I chased her... and followed the path she wanted to move forward too...

For years.... and now... she stood on the yard I always stood at waiting for her.

but....

Why am I not happy?



...

"Hey! Congratulation!!  At last were..."

Before she could finish... My body moved without thinking... 

what are you doing!?

My eyes are closed...

My hands on her face...

my lips....

locked to hers....

I  slowly moved my face away from hers...

I moved slowly... 

while I felt her arms...

her hands....

her fingers...

I was ready to let her go...

she opened her mouth and wanted to say something...

again.




I was ready for her to be mad.

I was ready for her to say her goodbyes for what I did...

I was ready.

But I don't want it.

I grabbed her arms and pull her to me...

I was waiting for her to resist..



but she confusedly stare at me...



I want her,,,

I want you...

I want you closer...

I want you to be for me...

I wanted to say something..

but I fear she will respond back...




I'm fearing her voice...


I'm fearing her thoughts...


but most of all...

I'm fearing her to say goodbye.

I stare at her eyes...


her eyes locked to mine...



I slowly held her arms...



held her against the tree...



part of me wants her to stop me...

but a greater part of me..



wanted her.



I kissed her again...

and i felt her lips kissed back to mine.

I felt her hands lightly held mine...

I can feel her now...

for the first time...

I'am as near as I can be with her...

Her body pressing to mine,,,

my grasp responds patiently to hers...

slowlly...

part by part,,,



she was mine.

My Short Story Page
Chapter 2: A Promise

Im not young but I'm new and i'm lost

  The world of blogging is new to me, even if my first reason of blogging is expressing my prison of emotions toward an event that I was expecting sub consciously. I was looking for an advice on people on what I should do next for a situation I couldn't handle on my own... but in reality, I just wanted to release my thoughts toward my fears, hopes, desires and depression. Seeking for an advice was just an excuse I had because I couldn't accept that I need them. [Pride]

   Social networking is a world of uncommitted words, being trapped in a undesirable situation is as easy as going out of unlocked door. Words spoken, judgment settled in what was is anything but a shallow excuses that helped me move forward a little but didn't gave me a reason to move on. that's when I turned to blogging, or in my case. Short story writings.

   I may be condemning myself on the eyes of my friends who pushed me advices on my problems, but in reality of spoken words on written choices, the truth is I found a world of expressions in blogging. My fear of commitments toward changing is a vision I couldn't see through advices I couldn't bare but still followed.

   I made mistakes during that time, craving for attention and admiration is somewhat shallow but natural for any person who has been broken down. It's a prayer I make that I didn't hurt anyone during my walk of shame. If i did, I apologize with all my heart.

  I was checking several blogs because most of my review define me "unique", It sounds perfectly synonymous to how I want it to be, but being unique is also relating to  creative responsibilities which lead me to reviewing other people works.  Most of them dictates their words from their everyday lives, direct approach is their means of communicating with readers. Some who put journalism practice to work investigates and research most of their materials before publishing them... while me? Is just a minority of reality expressed with my imaginations and ironic choices of words... that puts me in a spot of questioning my motives on why to continue blogging, Or even if I'm qualified to be called a blogger.

  Don't get me wrong, from time to time I find myself feeling the pain of depression, which is also natural. But I cannot stock myself in a box of words while minute per minute waiting... anticipating that someone would visit my Blog and leave an email of thoughts or a comment of criticism... Blogging helped me so much to give me strength to stand up again... but I cannot depend on it to push me forward to move back in my life. It is not healthy  both physically and emotionally. I need to get back on my life... or at least... find a new one.

  In the empty tabs where you can find most of my reviews, arguments on myself, my short stories and poems, my hobby of cooking my practical criticism to the world and other tabs I put on, are supposed to be a navigation control for you readers, but those were and are my inspirations that defines my reasons for moving on. So please bare with me while I kept it empty for now, until I get back on my track, and have my vision back in my thoughts... I may be posting something I just scribbled on just to pissed you off... which I find... entertaining :)  [ childish game]

 This where I'll end my letters for my readers. APIR!