Pagbabago

      "We shouldered pain and cultivate a system that detour's reality... Slowly sinking ourselves from our shallow thoughts and shattered emotions... We are distinctly alike in our ghost that proclaimed our lives"

Change...

I never wanted it... 

But I needed it.

   Let me tell my story on the pattern I know... It may not be all the reality of my past, but.., It is the truth of how I felt it...

  I catered thoughts and principles that tied me down on the world I saw within me... Sharing vision and perspectives are my strings that attached me to the people around me.

  A Gloomy sky and damped wind.... Whispers words that repeatedly stabbed.

Weirdo....

Pathetic....

Looser.

  I never paid attention before, but nonetheless the silence of nights reminds me of the morning dust that covered my sight... A simple smile and a million laughter of a cracked jokes and me as an annoying mime., and a monkey chasing dreamer are my relationship with them.. but a simple phrase that shattered the thoughts... and cut my individuality...

"....When we meet new people... They Inspire us to change..."

Inspiration....

Change? ....

  I broke down few months ago... The foundation I built within me.... scattered into pieces, molded emotions and confused thoughts started to eat me.... 

I don't want it to dominate me. but as Calloused as a carpenter's hand...

It cut me.

  I bleed decision's I'm not proud of... I have scars that insecure  my dignity... I shouted words as I try to gagged my thoughts.... But a swollen wound and a broken soul.... I fell down on sharp aggregates of judgments that tore me apart....

but.....

my soul didn't even mind.

  A four  year old love trauma ended in a simple conversation and a weekly anticipation of a promise of an answer for questions that banged my head a thousand times and a million more...

where are we now....

where are we heading...?

   Communication lost as unanswered dilemma continued to scream words my friends kept telling me for two years...

"Walk Away..."

Change? 

I never wanted it. 

   I took Architecture as my tool for creating the visions I had... But the value of a honest emotion and sharpened mind doesn't cut in a trigger happy reality.

   For two years I was in and out of companies trying to crawl my way to the end of my Apprenticeship Training... Continuously but secretly studying my way up to my licensed career... On my third year after graduation... I was finally admitted to take my board.

   But reality bit me. . . and sunk it's fangs in my soulless throne... Deeper... undeniable. There's no more words to say no more blood to spill... 

nothing.

I was broken down.

I broke down.

or... so I thought. 

  Change?

I didn't know how to accept it. 

  My Love affair with my soulless shadow and a puppet of thoughts grows a routine that woke me up every 3:00am, just to smoke down the tears... A post dated attitude and a masked ion on fiction started to beat inside me...




  My life plan haven't changed... But loosing "her" created my plans into a checklist of crossword puzzle with a redundant clues... I cannot draw... I cannot sketch.... I couldn't design.... I felt every emotions... but chained my thoughts within.


  But, a unseen craving left me in front of my monitor... Doodling words without a second to spare... I was creating lyrics where I'm the only one who knows the song... a small smirk... and a little glow finally caught my eyes.




  For a month, I chatted down my world... I learned to write... and created a blog on my own... I wasn't able to find an answer to why things happened...

but.

I found a answer to where I'm going....

I don't know how long I could or would blog... but like the failed plans I made and empty casket of promises I couldn't face...  I still and should kept going...

I'll find my new reason.

until then,,, I'll keep moving forward.

Change is as consistent as our choices... and as determined as our cravings... 


We may not seek for it, But it is a part of anyone who dreams... It can be a chain that will hold you back... or a knife that will slice you up...


or... A will that will whisper

"you can't give up." 

It will all depend on how you want to accept it.

APIR!!! SMILE!! and live once in awhile!!!

A reason for dreaming

  
theres more to life that what was preceeded.. I cannot stay looking at the worse possible scenario to prevent it... I rather see it as a whole... and focused on achieving what is better... call me selfish... but I will try to carved it with your dreams also...

                                                                                                                                    --Primo

  This happened few days ago, I was walking along the street of Pasay, when I saw an Old lady, "lola" for our Tagalog term, having an argument with his "Apo" (Grandson/Granddaughter), I thought it was a simple fight among street vendors... but I saw him push out her lola just to get his stick back... while he walked away... I was maybe just 2 feet away from them, buying "taho" (fresh soft/silken tofu, with brown sugar and vanilla syrup and pearl sago) and I was shocked as he grabbed his stick and forcefully pulled it away from his lola, to the point that he almost pulled her tripping to the ground... good thing she let go...




   My head was burning with  my blood pulping away from my skin,I was really mad... I really want to grab that teenager and just beat him down the ground! and break his skull and pour my taho to his already fried brain from the ragby his using! but... I saw another guy just grabbed him pulled him away from the ground and gave him a fierce look... and started shouting.. "tang ina mong addict ka ang kapal ng mukha mo! lola mo yun!!"
 
   He walked away from that guy and just murmered,

"tarantado pala kayo.. bat nyo pinapakialaman gamit ko"

  I was stunned... and was truly ashamed he used those word...




  Those words...

   was also mine....

  I dont really use bulgar words or bad mouth any of my family members.. well... not intentionally or in a day by day basis... I'm also guilty atleast twice, with the heat up arguement... but.

    "Don't touch my stuff...."

  those are my words...


  even with my mom...

  I stared at his lola as she quickly walk away from the crowd, she sat like a lonely dog in the middle of the street and just stared at his wasted apo and cried...

  My mom is 52..., and I was looking at his lola, and I think she's around in her late 60... with the dry wrinkled dark skin and all almost fading white hair...

she just sat,,,

cried,,,

and stared at her apo.

F+ck.

  Here I am... worrying about my failed relationships.... my failed board examination... wasted how many months figuring what to do with my life... figuring what happend in the past, confused and worried on what the future will be holding and beat me up again... and she....

  she's almost dried her life away... few years from now... she will pass... few years from now... the people who saw her... even me... will forget her... but her eyes... the eyes that tears with worries and confusion... aren't the same eyes I saw when I looked at the mirror... It was not even half of the emotion I was carrying.

  The eyes I saw in the mirror... are the same eyes of the drugged teenager... A mad... confused... Full of pride... stucked in his ragby buble...

  Eyes that blames a person for his situation...

  chained and broken... but proudly walking off his reality...

  Those were his eyes...

  And...

  Those were the eyes I felt when I was looking at myself.

  Enough.

  No matter what I do. No matter how much I think about it... It is over. My ex probably have moved on, my Examination result will be the same... but... I have a regular job. My pay isn't really to bragged but does pay the bills... I'm not sick... well... physicallly. ( I hope so), I have a complete set of hands and a well trained feet... I have an average I.Q. and a steady focused mind when it comes to money matters. Yeah. . . I want money.... just like you.

  Being in a broken family.... Growing up alone.... being ridicule... fooled... played... lied too... pressured... and undignified by other people draws a very bloody line of emotional dilema inside me. but... so what? ....I'm as capable of hurting other people the same way they can hurt me... but. I'm also capable of walking away just like lola did...

   but im not as weak as her... im 26... graduated archietcture... been studying small business Ideas for 3 years, been investing equipments for a small design group... been investing my mind with programs that I could use.

 fck this dilema.

so what if i'm hurt?

 So what If I will be hurt again...

no.

  My mom... she is a single parent... My biological father is a trash, a well oiled spoiled trash who doesn't know the meaning of a "man". . . . She sacrifised all her life trying to fixed what was done.

guess what?

my turn now.

  My mom, my cousin... my uncle... my friends.... they are a big pieces who molded me... not my ex, not the exam,,, its only 10 years of my life.... i spend 16 years with other people... and I have more years to spend..

  I am my mom's biggest investment... I dont want to see her the way I saw lola... I dont want to see a single tear fall in her eyes cause I choose to be stopped by my own dilema.

 

enough.

   

  I'm pushing on.

My family carved a path for me to walk on... they carried me when I have a weak knee...

my friends thought me values of happiness and helped me draw my dreams...

 my exes? they thought me the importance of love and respect... commitment and trust.

My board.... thought no matter how prepared you are... sometimes... It wont be enough... but you are encourage to try. . . and try. . .  and try. . . ( HAHAHAHA)

nah...


Failures will mold you...


but your actions after will define who you are.



I'm pushing on... and will pull the trigger of determination in his mind.

Im carving a path big enough for those who welcomed me...

                                                                                               - Primo Rico

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