The silence of the midnight is a fearsome annotation of a past.
Every time I'm awake I can freely move forward with my life, but whenever I fell asleep my foots kept crawling back to my dimmed past...
same thoughts kept coming back....
"Is it enough?"
....I want to close my eyes without you looking back at me, I cant remember being satisfied with our little habitual dance, but there was an uncanny happiness...an uneasy feeling of happiness.
Its 3:30am in the morning when my body suddenly turned.
Silence in the air,,,
a cold whisper of thoughts... "I'm alone again...typical..."
I saw my cellphone vibrates under my sofa bed... "...shit" I silently whisper. a fear and excitement inside me are like knives cutting through my heart.
Did you text me... after 3 weeks of no communication?
after a month of waiting?
after the last promise you gave me....
I bravely held the phone and pressed the small circle in the middle to see what you wanted to say.
"3:30am WAKE UP ASSHOLE! TIME TO JOG!!"
It was just my alarm I made since the first time I held my new phone, I remember pointing out to you the "walk mate"program my new phone has, "haha I wont be alone every morning i wake up to run" you silently smile trying to look interested,,, I already have a concern about "us" since then.
I never run. I wanted too... but my feet too heavy, my legs feels so numb. I just wanted to wake up every time my phone rung.
that's all..
"stupid."
i told myself... for the last few weeks I kept tangling a web of hope of "us" to my needy soul... "I need to delete that stupid alarm" i silently scolded myself.
My brain... and my heart does not work well together. I'm smarter than what I have become... I know it. but my heart.... my heart is betraying my very soul. With all the quotes, with all the perceptions and perspective I kept posting in my facebook... i thought... If i read what my mind is thinking.... my heart would understand what I wanted to do.
"Emotero... Weirdo..."words that describes who I am now. I wish they know the feeling of pain...
Its not the same as a knife cut to your flesh,
its not the pain when a hot oil slowly spitted on your skin,,,
its not the pain when a person betrays you,,,
I wish I knew what this pain is... and what it meant....
I silently opened the front door of my unit and walk through the small hallway pass through our carport... I held a fliptop in my hand , slowly opening it with my trmbling hand.... ïts always cold in the morning" i murmured.
I silently smoked my thoughts of the past. If my brain dies so will my heart... as the chemicals in every puff kills the cells of my life....as i slowly enjoy the vague memorry slowly dissapearing....
Im not killing myself...
Im trying to set myself free from the shackles of my past....
then my cellphone rung... "another alarm"? I asked myself while ignoring it... I love how it vibrates in my hands... like an alive creature slowly dying in my hand... like a heart i have.. slowly loosing hope.... then it will just stop.
I turned the phone over to see what I listed for todays quest to live a lie of a fruitful life.... " such a hypocrite" I admitted.
I saw the small envelope in my screen and a message appeared.
"1 unread message"
I opened it and frozed....
I dropped the cigarette and checked if I read the message wrong...
It was a no name sender...
I recognized the number...
but It was not in my list...
with my confused joy i read it with my lips and whispered the words...
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