Chapter 4: The Break Up

"thanks... whoever you are"

the last words I heard before she cried... I wanted to speak but I couldn't. I understand her pain... and I wanted to comfort her,,, but deep inside of me are just excuses I have for myself not to feel whatever I have in me. We never talked, we broke up over the phone,,, there were no closure to our 4 year relationship, just an empty waiting, and stagnant growing pain from moving forward...

"hi... it's me...

I stuttered as I push my lips to say something... I was starring at the leaves as the rain slowly fading away.... its almost 5 in the morning and I can hear the honky sound of the vendor selling puto and kuntyinta...

"bossing! you want? you want?"

i slowly smiled at him and just signed him no... not today.. It taste bitter... the cold coffee i have been holding since she called. I never realized how bitter it is till now... I grew silence waiting for my lips to say something.. when i heard her voice...

"it was not easy for me... and i know its not easy for you to... but this is where we ends..."

i wanted to cry, the pain of her saying that is like a jagged knife..

"I love you despite of the pain, despite of the reality of being hurt and the insanity of us not being together... Ive learned to love you near me.. I learned to love you in a distance... despite of our fights, despite of my insecurities and your demands... I have loved every pieces of us...

"I have loved you more than I have loved anyone... I have feared our future more than the pain I have...

theres no easy way of letting ourselves go knowing the relationship isn't there anymore... but the pain of knowing we gaved everything but theres no more "us"on our love...

I'm not wishing for your happiness... cause Im not sure Im ready to see that. Im selfishly inlove with you,,, even when you already learned to let me go.... Im not wishing for your relationship to move... knowing your already chosen to be with someone else... I despise your words... I hated your promses. I cursed you let me hold on, when you already held on to someone else..."

"There were no more us.. ...nothing but a past..."

I wanted to cry... I wanted to shout,,, I wanted to die. But as I opened the gate I heard her whispered with a sobbing voice...

"I love him for everything, from the sorrow and happiness... What ever the pain I have is not enough for a reason for me to give up... I let him go because I want to find myself... I let him go because he needs to learn to love me less... we cant be together not because we love each other less than the others... Ill cherish everything about who we are,,, its my pain and my strength so I can be better,,,"

The pain of letting go. and the pain of moving forward... its a cycle I couldnt understand... but the pain Im having isn't the pain of being hated, nor is it a feeling of being neglected or betrayed... a love that was real but lost is a memorry to remember, a pain that scars is a lesson i should learn to be better... I understand the pain Im having... It's the pain of having nothing but reality... the chase of being the best boyfriend I can be to her is gone, the fear of being a husband to her is done, to progress in my career to serve her better...to dream to go to placess... everything that gaved meaning to what i was doing is nothing but a past now... The pain im having isn't because of her... the pain i have is because i lost myself while holding on to hers...

there's no break up in a relationship that lived and died because of love...

i understand that now.

as I said my last words to her, as i listen to her last cry, as the sun rise up I found something... not a friend, not a meaning to what was... not even a clue of how she fall out of love, not destiny... not a happy ending... not a tragic end either.. i haven't found myself yet... but i found a very important part of it...

my reality.

Im not hopeless, im not hopeful, im not empty.. im not discourage... i haven't found my happiness, nor do I have a reason for sadness,,, I'm not alone, but Im not with anyone either, my simplest reality

"I am free"

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